Celebrity Disaster

Anne Hathaway, Fashion Misfire

Someone put Grandma's living room drapes on this poor girl--the ones she got at JCPenny when there was all of that mad money from winning bingo. And that bow? Please.

If you have a chance to put clothing on Anne Hathaway, and if you make her look like this, you really must turn in your special badge that allows you to put clothing on beautiful women and wait several years before you apply to get it back. How do you make someone this beautiful walk around in several different abandoned ideas like this?

Astonishing.

 Veronika Vanoza, Lovely and Talented

The botched Dane-Gayheart-Peniche Threesome Sex Tape Scandal of August 2009 is a teachable moment for those of us in the know. I cannot be more plain that this--the tape fails to take their careers in the necessary upwards trajectory because of how poorly conceived it is. Always remember this one sage bit of advice: Try to make a sex tape with professionals, not amateurs, please:

Kari Ann Peniche is not just the hot mess with a troubled past who made the (temporary) jump from obscurity to infamy faster than you can say "Rick Salomon."

Oh, no. The "quality hang" of Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart is so much more than that.

And so much more than the reality TV-starring, bikini-designing, Playboy-modeling, Aaron Carter-betrothing, sexual abuse- and domestic violence-surviving, Lutheran soccer-playing, high school-cheerleading, drug-recovering, title-losing Miss United States Teen she once was.

Just ask her mother.

"We are disappointed," Lee Ann Peniche tells E! News. "She's 25 years old and she has made some poor choices."

The problem with the sex tape, which I am too highbrow to watch, is that it doesn't actually feature any sex. It's really just a cinema verite piece that centers around three beautiful people being stupid and naked. I can watch that just by looking at my neighbors--talk about a hot mess. Well, they're not hot. They're old and unattractive, but their business hangs out all over the place.

If you're going to make a successful sex tape, one that brings your career back from the dead and turns you into a marketable household name, you need to get yourself a professional. Some men have gone out and gotten Janine Lindenmulder--an excellent choice. Some men have gotten Paris Hilton--not a bad choice, but a little on the skinny side. Some men have even gone out and hired strippers and the like, but fat or confused ones. Then they make the fatal mistake of enlisting the aid of their dumb little buddies from back home to work the camera. That's no way to make a sex tape.

The way you make a sex tape is like this--on location, in a well-lit studio, with pros, and with a real camera crew. Now, you don't have to go out and get Veronika Vanoza, but you won't be sorry if you're able to convince her to assist you in your project. I'm certain that she has high standards and is not a bad person, so be prepared to convince her that she will be treated like a lady and an artist. Veronika Vanoza instantly classes up the joint, and brings the capability of a seasoned professional to any project. When producing your sex tape, make certain that Veronika is featured prominently, and, I can't stress this enough--explain why lubricants help. The teenagers, they need so much to know. 

In fact, always treat the ladies like ladies, and always show as much as possible--we're a full disclosure society. Under-the-sheets humping isn't going to cut it.

This is a nice idea, but, really, when you're not even able to spell it out--douchebag--you might as well pack it in. No one should fear calling a douchebag a douchebag, editorial standards notwithstanding.

Jon Gosselin of "Jon and Kate Plus 8" fame is a free man now, essentially a young, single, wealthy, famous man who has too many kids to get remarried, too much free time to sit around and play video games, and too much tabloid "juice" to expect any privacy. Celebrity has been a severe disaster for the Gosselins--who signs up for a television reality show and expects that the resulting injection of money, marginal fame, and options to have a second crack at being single will blow up in public? What is it about the money that did this to them? It wasn't the fame, the show itself, the stress or anything else--it was the cash that allowed them the freedom to indulge themselves. I love money, but it obviously blew these people apart. Had the money been reasonable, they probably would not have had the freedom to separate and go indulge themselves in outside activities. Contrary to popular belief, having a modest amount of money can sometimes be a blessing. It keeps the man and woman in the marriage from hiring on help and going on trips to other cities in order to meet bimbos so they can get laid.

Dispensing with the list at the link, which is actually a good list, I will now give my six things that Jon Gosselin should remember as he half-asses his way back into relative obscurity:

1. If she nags you before you're married, she's going to nag you AFTER you are married.

2. Always keep a home in the nice part of what used to be West Germany so that you can go there and hide for a few years.

3. Clothes make the man--buy some blue dress shirts, some tan slacks or duck pants, and some boat shoes. Wear the shirt untucked, put on a t-shirt in the fall and winter, wear no socks in the spring and summer, and remember that you cannot, and should not, ever, wear a duster or an Indiana Jones hat.

4. Eight kids? Sweet mother of Christ, what were you thinking? Well, guess what? You'd better take care of them or they'll end up in SuperMax, like one of mine did. I'm proud of my son in the Supermax--he took out half of the meth dealers in San Diego County--but I'm sad that he can't be here to help me sail the world, looking for douchebags like Jon Gosselin who run off and don't pay child support.

5. Yeah, you should pay child support. It's a good idea.

6. If you're single, and you're going to play the field, try dating a girl with mild scoliosis. I cannot stress this enough--a woman with scoliosis is worth her weight in gold. The lovemaking is amazing, and she'll be glad that you got over your initial squeamishness over the slight curvature of her spine.

You're welcome.

"Rock Star" is a movie that Jennifer Aniston made

How sad to be Jennifer Aniston. Every time she finds a man who isn't quite as famous as her, he dumps her because he can.

Actress Jennifer Aniston rarely responds to even the most ridiculous romance gossip, which might explain why she didn't expect her once-rumored beau, Bradley Cooper, to deny their relationship. According to the National Enquirer, Cooper’s recent comments left his “He’s Just Not That Into You” co-star reeling.

“Jennifer was devastated when Bradley told reporters in Paris that she was ‘just a friend’ and denied they had any romantic involvement,” an insider told the National Enquirer. “It makes her look desperate — which is the one thing she dreads coming across more than anything else.”

At first, Aniston allegedly assumed Cooper’s public stance was merely an attempt to keep their relationship private, but the source explained that the actress soon learned otherwise.

“When (Aniston) confronted (Cooper) about it, he took the opportunity to let her down gently and say he only wanted to be friends,” the source revealed. “It was a huge embarrassment for Jennifer — now she feels used and upset — her confidence has taken yet another knock and she’s back at square one in terms of dating.”

Thereis a nasty game afoot here--Jennifer Aniston is being used to trade up for a better hottie in Hollywood.It's as if all the dating dudes got together in a huddle and came up with a plan--in order to get at the Hayden Panettiere's and Megan Fox's and whoever is on the Hills, a dating dude has to successfully convince Jennifer Aniston that he loves her and wants to help her settle down and then he has to publicly dump her and make her look like a fool so that he can "trade up."

That's not what really happens in the film "Rock Star,"but I suppose it is close. I believe Aniston thinks that the men who dump her are going to reconcile with her, loosely following the plot of the movie, but they're not. They're too busy waiting to see if that Lauren Conrad girl will call them back while they laugh with their flunkies about how dating Aniston got them into People magazine just before their next project was to come out. Aniston has to go work in a coffee shop or something like that in order to get her man back in Rock Star. What they don't tell you, though, is that working in a coffee shop makes you ineligible to be dated by anyone successful. I have a daughter that worked in a coffee shop--and all she ever brought home were dirtbags and scuzzballs. It's true.

Here's what Jennifer Aniston needs to do--pretend to be a lesbian. Oh, that would send her stock through the roof. She needs to announce this on the Ellen Degeneres Show, on a Tuesday, and ride the publicity wave all week long. Ellen and Jennifer need to do a little bump and grind, and then Ellen's wife Portia de Rossi can come out and pull Aniston's hair out by the roots.

I don't mean to say that she should trade on being a lesbian in order to make more money--that would be unethical. I do mean to say that if Aniston wishes to stick it in the ear of the men who have done her wrong--those no-good, belly-low dogs--then she should pretend to be gay and go around telling everyone that it was because the lovemaking with those men was so inept and unsatisfying that she had no choice but to shack up with Margaret Cho or whoever.

Now, would Margaret Cho go for it? Probably.

The danger inherent in this strategy is that famous Hollywood lesbians would start to treat Aniston like the village bicycle, and trade up by dumping her. I would hope that that wouldn't happen. If it does, the best advice I can give Aniston is to simply stay home on Friday nights and possibly move to Europe.