Jennifer Love Hewitt

We are thirteen nautical miles off Nevis, moving to the Southeast at a slow seven knots and we are waiting to see what the issue with the electrical system amounts to. The Admiral Hassenpfeffer has had intermittent power failures all morning. Mr. Peej has been all throughout the engine room, and, in careful consultation with the engine room crew, his official explanation is "gremlins." I have accepted that, but, when we get to Nevis, we will call on board someone who might have a better grasp of the issue. Let's hope we can find someone who knows how Father had the system re-worked in 1976. Remember now, this is either a French or Italian corvette, with a keel laid down in the 1930s, and she was taken by the Germans, overhauled, and turned into a fleet raiding surface vessel that ended up abandoned in North Africa in 1943. She has been through a great deal.

But, as it stands, not as much as poor Jennifer Love Hewitt:

After a year-long romance, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy have broken up, a rep has confirmed exclusively to PEOPLE.

No further details were available.

Though some in the blogosphere called them an unlikely couple, Kennedy and Hewitt regularly gushed over each other.

When Kennedy first confirmed the romance in March 2009, he told Ryan Seacrestduring a radio interview, "I'm in love!" Describing his costar on Ghost Whisperer, Kennedy said: "It's like, 'Wow, you are hot. You can sing, you can dance, you're like, so smart and, wow, you can cook pasta fagioli, too.' "

I ordered the ship to come to a halt, and we shut down all of the electrical systems and recycled all of the power after a two hour cool down period. I have no scientific reasons for doing this; I just wanted to bring everyone and everything under my control to a halt. I forbade speaking, and I had everyone go to their bunks and reflect on the sadness that is the love life of an American treasure. A few members of the crew from St. Thomas burst into tears because they thought Jessica Simpson had died. When we finally explained what had really happened, they felt better, but they still wanted me to power up the vessel and call out on all radio channels and confirm that Jessica was still alive, and so we did and it took a half an hour before a Coast Guard cutter out of Miami confirmed for us that Jessica was fine.

I get a little tired of that whole "this channel is for emergencies only" lecture. Well, what constitutes and emergency in your little navy world, sir? Do you know when saying "yadda, yadda, yadda" is appropriate? When a man wearing lieutenant-commander rank starts lecturing you on a radio network that rarely provides any useful information to you anyway, that's when.

In my life, an emergency is when a young lady's love life and well being is the subject of national media attention. It's when a broken heart and a tender heart are torn apart by the loss of a boyfriend over the weekend before St. Patrick's Day and the start of March Madness. Even Miranda would fit into that category, were she to actually start trying to attract a decent man. One thing you can count on when it comes to Jennifer or Jessica--they shave their armpits and legs. Miranda? Who knows? I refuse to ask her when she's moody. As much as I would like to write about her love life, she still has enough passwords to thwart me.

Phil Spector and his Fright Wig

I say this with no reservation. Phil Spector was the soundtrack of a youth I did not enjoy. He and those damned Beatles were ever-present when I was growing up. I preferred Herman's Hermits--I really did. Did you know that, in 1966, Herman's Hermits sold more records than the Beatles? Absolutely true. I preferred the mellow sounds of Peter Noone, and I go see him whenever he's on tour. He's a lovely man, and he still gets laid like he was the sexier, good looking Beatle or Rolling Stone.

I also liked the Kinks, but when they got weird, I got weird with them. Oh, there are things you don't know about your uncle Norman, sir. It was a mid-life crisis sort of thing--I had four of them. I don't think people realize this, but if you've ever had problems, your problems can only be put in context if you listen to a lot of Kinks records. Everything they did between 1973 and 1983 will sort you out, sir.

Anyway, when I read this about Phil Spector, I wanted to throw a chair out of the window:

Lawyers for music producer Phil Spector, 70, are appealing his murder conviction on the grounds of judicial error and prosecutorial misconduct.

They claim Spector, who was jailed for at least 19 years for shooting an actress at his Californian home, was denied his right to a fair trial.

The appeal states lawyers improperly used testimony of five women to damage Spector's character in jurors' eyes.

The producer had pleaded not guilty to murdering Lana Clarkson in 2003.

A five-month retrial took place in Los Angeles last year after the jury in an earlier trial, in 2007, failed to reach a unanimous decision.

During the retrial, five female acquaintances testified that Spector had threatened them at gunpoint in incidents dating back to the 1970s.

His appeal lawyers claim their testimony was impermissible under the law, stating the incidents described were not comparable to Ms Clarkson's death.

Just the five female acquaintances, then? Just the mountain of evidence and the dead body and his statement to the chauffeur, then?

There are a lot of innocent people in jail, but Phil Spector isn't one of them. Phil Spector should have been locked up a generation ago.

Melania must be confusing the Donald with her womanly charms...

Have a look at this, and then tell me who wins:

"Celebrity Apprentice" is back, with a weird group that includes Daryl Strawberry, Cyndi Lauper, Bret Michaels, Sharon Osbourne, Sinbad, and best of all, disgraced former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich. Please get him and Donald Trump in the room, because all that hair and all that ego is bound to cause some kind of weird disturbance in the Force. (March 14, 9 p.m., NBC.) 

Do you see anyone--anyone--on that list who could win? I do not. The Donald is getting poor advice. I don't know if I blame Melania, but I sure like posting old photos of her.

I see a list of people who have had success and failure and infamy and the usual downfalls and pitfalls and I see no winners. I see a ridiculous D-list farce. Where's Kathy Griffin when you need her? Where's the little fellow who was in the Austin Powers films? Where's Erik Estrada and the dude who signed on to do all of those Free Credit Report Dot Com ads?

Lucy Becker

Lucy Becker

I sit here, dumbfounded. Lucy Becker. Wow.

Lucy Becker

If I was more articulate, I'd still be unable to get past wow.

Lucy Becker

Live Aid, 1985

Really, I would have thought that this would have come out a long time ago:

Millions of dollars earmarked for victims of the Ethiopian famine of 1984-85 was siphoned off by rebels to buy weapons, a BBC investigation finds.

Former rebel leaders told the BBC that they posed as merchants in meetings with charity workers to get aid money.

They used the cash to fund attempts to overthrow the government of the time.

One rebel leader estimated $95m (£63m) - from Western governments and charities including Band Aid - was channelled into the rebel fight.

The CIA, in a 1985 assessment entitled Ethiopia: Political and Security Impact of the Drought, also alleged aid money was being misused.

Its report concluded: "Some funds that insurgent organisations are raising for relief operations, as a result of increased world publicity, are almost certainly being diverted for military purposes."

It's a worthwhile effort to try and do things for people, but, in the end, corruption and greed will always win. Better to spend your money on yourself, making sure you have enough hairspray and the right kind of dancing pants.

President Obama shakes hands with Khloe Kardashian

One of the things you have to admire about President Obama is his ability to waste time talking to reality television trash just days before firing his social secretary because she allowed reality television trash to wander into the White House (this photo dates back to Monday, but I hadn't seen it til now).

This practice of letting the team that just won a league championship visit the White House is getting old. The Lakers' championship win was one of the most anticlimactic in years. It generated more yawns than any I can remember.

Kate Beckinsale

Relax, goth nerds. It'll be out in the fall of 2011. You can be rest assured she'll do fine. Now, stop bugging the poor lady.

Is she qualified? Who the hell cares? It's cold, and winter sports are king for me. As soon as I figure out what's going on, I'll try to figure out if she makes any sense or not.

Victoria Silvstedt

Jennifer Love Hewitt

I really should do something about all of these pictures I have of this lovely young lady:

'Ghost Whisperer' star Jennifer Love Hewitt turned 31 this weekend -- apparently, the actress also turned into Lady Gaga. Hewitt and some of her friends were caught on camera in outlandish outfits for Hewitt's '80s-themed birthday party, but their intensely-gelled hair bows evoked nothing so much as the 'Bad Romance' singer-fashionista.

So far, no photographs have emerged of Hewitt's boyfriend Jamie Kennedy on the big day, but we're willing to bet he stayed true to character by going all out. Hewitt told PEOPLE just before Valentine's Day that Kennedy knows how to treat a lady.

"He's done a bunch of romantic things just because that's who he is," she said. "It's hard to pick just one."

Here's to some happiness for the lady on her birthday.

The Ghost Writer (2010)

I'm not as interested in the whole Roman Polanski scandal as I once was. I do think that The Ghost Writer looks pretty interesting though. Will people see it because of the notoriety? Or will they avoid it?

Pierce Brosnan is in it, by the way:

Brosnan is currently in theaters co-starring in the blockbuster fantasy "Percy Jackson and the Olympians: Lightening Thief."

On Friday, he returns in something completely different, playing a former British prime minister in Roman Polanski's mystery thriller "The Ghost Writer," based on a novel by Robert Harris. This marks Polanski's first film since "Oliver Twist" in 2005 - and according to Brosnan, the film shows "Polanski at his best."

Which is to make light of the fact that most people have now had a rehashing of Polanski at his worst.

The plot is as such:

In "The Ghost Writer," Brosnan doesn't play Tony Blair per se, but somebody who is very Tony Blair-like.

"All roads seem to lead to one man in the book, in the screenplay, and Tony Blair was the man I hung my hat on," Brosnan said.

In the film, Ewan McGregor plays Brosnan's ghost writer hired to complete his memoirs on an island off the U.S. east coast, while Brosnan is essentially under siege from all corners. His wife, the public, the courts and the press are all angry with him.

Ghost writers have always interested me. Who takes a literary job with the understanding that they won't be credited unless the writer turns on them and vilifies what they've done in order to stave off criticism? Do ghost writers have any control over a project?

Does my wanting to see the film endorse Polanski's lifestyle choices? Or should I just ignore all of that and see it on the merits of the project? Depends on how brave I feel, I guess.

Kevin Smith

After being kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight for being "too fat," director Kevin Smith hit back on Twitter:

Actor-director Kevin Smith has made a career by saying nothing as the character Silent Bob in hit movies such as "Clerks" and "Mallrats." But the comedian has had plenty to say on Twitter after Southwest Airlines removed him from a flight Saturday for being too fat.

Smith, 39, has responded with the ultimate "tweak out," flooding his Twitter page with angry messages against the airline.

His first tweet read, "Dear @SouthwestAir I know I'm fat, but was [the] captain [&] really justified in throwing me off a flight for which I was already seated?"

In accordance with Southwest's "customers of size" policy, Smith had purchased two tickets but then stood by for an earlier flight, which had one seat remaining. That is when the airline forced him off the plane.

Smith was irate, tweeting, "So, @SouthwestAir, go f*** yourself. I broke no regulation, offered no "safety risk" (what, was I gonna roll on a fellow passenger?)" When he later boarded another flight, he posted a picture of himself in the seat, writing, "Hey @SouthwestAir Look how fat I am on your plane! Quick! Throw me off!"

Upon landing in Burbank from Oakland, he tweeted, "Hey @SouthwestAir I've landed in Burbank. Don't worry: wall of the plane was opened & I was airlifted out while Richard Simmons supervised."

The airline is not laughing. They tweeted multiple apologies and offered Smith a $100 voucher. He refused the coupon and responded with another tweet: "F*** your apologetic $100 voucher, @SouthwestAir"

It's bad customer service to do that to a passenger, and it's pathetic that they tried to head off the "tweet" flameout with their own lame attempts. Smith is, obviously, more upset about missing his flight than being fat.

Hopefully, there weren't any "I'm a badass" poses:

Former child television star Gary Coleman has pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor criminal mischief charge related to a domestic violence incident last April in Utah.

In a deal with the prosecutor, Coleman entered the plea at a hearing Monday, his 42nd birthday, in Santaquin, 65 miles south of Salt Lake City.

Court clerk Jane Swan says the original charge of domestic violence assault was dropped.

Judge Sharla Williams sentenced Coleman to 31 1/2 days in jail. The "Diff'rent Strokes" star will serve the time only if he fails to complete a domestic violence course and pay a $595 fine.

Coleman was arrested Jan. 24 at his Santaquin home on a warrant for failing to appear in court. He spent a night in jail before a fan paid his $1,725 bail.

All he has to do is pay his debt to society and ditch that crazy wife of his.

Fran Drescher

Fran Drescher

No idea when these were taken, but Fran Drescher looks gorgeous.

Fran Drescher

Fran DrescherDid you know that she's a diplomat?

In September 2008, Drescher, a Democrat, was appointed as a U.S. diplomat by the U.S. State Department. Her official title is Public Diplomacy Envoy for Women's Health Issues. By traveling throughout the world, she will support U.S. public diplomacy efforts, including working with health organizations and women's groups to raise awareness of women’s health issues, cancer awareness and detection, and patient empowerment and advocacy. Her first trip was in late September and included stops in Romania, Hungary, Kosovo and Poland.

Kudos to Miss Drescher.

Danica Patrick

I adore Danica Patrick, but her Go Daddy ads have to go.

After watching several of them work their way through an otherwise OK Super Bowl telecast, I kept wondering why I didn't like the ads.

Go Daddy has never been much for innovation with their ads.

Boobies.

That's what they use. Titillation. Fine, but you can't sell that to everyone. Just weirdos who want to have their own websites.

Wait, that's what Go Daddy is counting on. They are counting on some idiot to register southbostonpoontangwatch.org and yomamaisadumptruck.info in order to stay in business. The only way to reach that person is to send them to the Go Daddy website in the hopes of seeing a woman almost get naked. So, while Danica's ads didn't really appeal to me (Danica is always appealing, however, and is a fantastic young lady), they probably did send a few louts out there to pay way too much to register website domains they'll forget they own when the next Super Bowl comes around.

I've been served.

Christina Hendricks

What? She looks fabulous. She practically needs her own blog.