Melania must be confusing the Donald with her womanly charms...

Have a look at this, and then tell me who wins:

"Celebrity Apprentice" is back, with a weird group that includes Daryl Strawberry, Cyndi Lauper, Bret Michaels, Sharon Osbourne, Sinbad, and best of all, disgraced former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich. Please get him and Donald Trump in the room, because all that hair and all that ego is bound to cause some kind of weird disturbance in the Force. (March 14, 9 p.m., NBC.) 

Do you see anyone--anyone--on that list who could win? I do not. The Donald is getting poor advice. I don't know if I blame Melania, but I sure like posting old photos of her.

I see a list of people who have had success and failure and infamy and the usual downfalls and pitfalls and I see no winners. I see a ridiculous D-list farce. Where's Kathy Griffin when you need her? Where's the little fellow who was in the Austin Powers films? Where's Erik Estrada and the dude who signed on to do all of those Free Credit Report Dot Com ads?

Lucy Becker

Lucy Becker

I sit here, dumbfounded. Lucy Becker. Wow.

Lucy Becker

If I was more articulate, I'd still be unable to get past wow.

Lucy Becker

Live Aid, 1985

Really, I would have thought that this would have come out a long time ago:

Millions of dollars earmarked for victims of the Ethiopian famine of 1984-85 was siphoned off by rebels to buy weapons, a BBC investigation finds.

Former rebel leaders told the BBC that they posed as merchants in meetings with charity workers to get aid money.

They used the cash to fund attempts to overthrow the government of the time.

One rebel leader estimated $95m (£63m) - from Western governments and charities including Band Aid - was channelled into the rebel fight.

The CIA, in a 1985 assessment entitled Ethiopia: Political and Security Impact of the Drought, also alleged aid money was being misused.

Its report concluded: "Some funds that insurgent organisations are raising for relief operations, as a result of increased world publicity, are almost certainly being diverted for military purposes."

It's a worthwhile effort to try and do things for people, but, in the end, corruption and greed will always win. Better to spend your money on yourself, making sure you have enough hairspray and the right kind of dancing pants.

President Obama shakes hands with Khloe Kardashian

One of the things you have to admire about President Obama is his ability to waste time talking to reality television trash just days before firing his social secretary because she allowed reality television trash to wander into the White House (this photo dates back to Monday, but I hadn't seen it til now).

This practice of letting the team that just won a league championship visit the White House is getting old. The Lakers' championship win was one of the most anticlimactic in years. It generated more yawns than any I can remember.

Kate Beckinsale

Relax, goth nerds. It'll be out in the fall of 2011. You can be rest assured she'll do fine. Now, stop bugging the poor lady.

Is she qualified? Who the hell cares? It's cold, and winter sports are king for me. As soon as I figure out what's going on, I'll try to figure out if she makes any sense or not.

Victoria Silvstedt

Jennifer Love Hewitt

I really should do something about all of these pictures I have of this lovely young lady:

'Ghost Whisperer' star Jennifer Love Hewitt turned 31 this weekend -- apparently, the actress also turned into Lady Gaga. Hewitt and some of her friends were caught on camera in outlandish outfits for Hewitt's '80s-themed birthday party, but their intensely-gelled hair bows evoked nothing so much as the 'Bad Romance' singer-fashionista.

So far, no photographs have emerged of Hewitt's boyfriend Jamie Kennedy on the big day, but we're willing to bet he stayed true to character by going all out. Hewitt told PEOPLE just before Valentine's Day that Kennedy knows how to treat a lady.

"He's done a bunch of romantic things just because that's who he is," she said. "It's hard to pick just one."

Here's to some happiness for the lady on her birthday.

The Ghost Writer (2010)

I'm not as interested in the whole Roman Polanski scandal as I once was. I do think that The Ghost Writer looks pretty interesting though. Will people see it because of the notoriety? Or will they avoid it?

Pierce Brosnan is in it, by the way:

Brosnan is currently in theaters co-starring in the blockbuster fantasy "Percy Jackson and the Olympians: Lightening Thief."

On Friday, he returns in something completely different, playing a former British prime minister in Roman Polanski's mystery thriller "The Ghost Writer," based on a novel by Robert Harris. This marks Polanski's first film since "Oliver Twist" in 2005 - and according to Brosnan, the film shows "Polanski at his best."

Which is to make light of the fact that most people have now had a rehashing of Polanski at his worst.

The plot is as such:

In "The Ghost Writer," Brosnan doesn't play Tony Blair per se, but somebody who is very Tony Blair-like.

"All roads seem to lead to one man in the book, in the screenplay, and Tony Blair was the man I hung my hat on," Brosnan said.

In the film, Ewan McGregor plays Brosnan's ghost writer hired to complete his memoirs on an island off the U.S. east coast, while Brosnan is essentially under siege from all corners. His wife, the public, the courts and the press are all angry with him.

Ghost writers have always interested me. Who takes a literary job with the understanding that they won't be credited unless the writer turns on them and vilifies what they've done in order to stave off criticism? Do ghost writers have any control over a project?

Does my wanting to see the film endorse Polanski's lifestyle choices? Or should I just ignore all of that and see it on the merits of the project? Depends on how brave I feel, I guess.

Kevin Smith

After being kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight for being "too fat," director Kevin Smith hit back on Twitter:

Actor-director Kevin Smith has made a career by saying nothing as the character Silent Bob in hit movies such as "Clerks" and "Mallrats." But the comedian has had plenty to say on Twitter after Southwest Airlines removed him from a flight Saturday for being too fat.

Smith, 39, has responded with the ultimate "tweak out," flooding his Twitter page with angry messages against the airline.

His first tweet read, "Dear @SouthwestAir I know I'm fat, but was [the] captain [&] really justified in throwing me off a flight for which I was already seated?"

In accordance with Southwest's "customers of size" policy, Smith had purchased two tickets but then stood by for an earlier flight, which had one seat remaining. That is when the airline forced him off the plane.

Smith was irate, tweeting, "So, @SouthwestAir, go f*** yourself. I broke no regulation, offered no "safety risk" (what, was I gonna roll on a fellow passenger?)" When he later boarded another flight, he posted a picture of himself in the seat, writing, "Hey @SouthwestAir Look how fat I am on your plane! Quick! Throw me off!"

Upon landing in Burbank from Oakland, he tweeted, "Hey @SouthwestAir I've landed in Burbank. Don't worry: wall of the plane was opened & I was airlifted out while Richard Simmons supervised."

The airline is not laughing. They tweeted multiple apologies and offered Smith a $100 voucher. He refused the coupon and responded with another tweet: "F*** your apologetic $100 voucher, @SouthwestAir"

It's bad customer service to do that to a passenger, and it's pathetic that they tried to head off the "tweet" flameout with their own lame attempts. Smith is, obviously, more upset about missing his flight than being fat.

Hopefully, there weren't any "I'm a badass" poses:

Former child television star Gary Coleman has pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor criminal mischief charge related to a domestic violence incident last April in Utah.

In a deal with the prosecutor, Coleman entered the plea at a hearing Monday, his 42nd birthday, in Santaquin, 65 miles south of Salt Lake City.

Court clerk Jane Swan says the original charge of domestic violence assault was dropped.

Judge Sharla Williams sentenced Coleman to 31 1/2 days in jail. The "Diff'rent Strokes" star will serve the time only if he fails to complete a domestic violence course and pay a $595 fine.

Coleman was arrested Jan. 24 at his Santaquin home on a warrant for failing to appear in court. He spent a night in jail before a fan paid his $1,725 bail.

All he has to do is pay his debt to society and ditch that crazy wife of his.

Fran Drescher

Fran Drescher

No idea when these were taken, but Fran Drescher looks gorgeous.

Fran Drescher

Fran DrescherDid you know that she's a diplomat?

In September 2008, Drescher, a Democrat, was appointed as a U.S. diplomat by the U.S. State Department. Her official title is Public Diplomacy Envoy for Women's Health Issues. By traveling throughout the world, she will support U.S. public diplomacy efforts, including working with health organizations and women's groups to raise awareness of women’s health issues, cancer awareness and detection, and patient empowerment and advocacy. Her first trip was in late September and included stops in Romania, Hungary, Kosovo and Poland.

Kudos to Miss Drescher.

Danica Patrick

I adore Danica Patrick, but her Go Daddy ads have to go.

After watching several of them work their way through an otherwise OK Super Bowl telecast, I kept wondering why I didn't like the ads.

Go Daddy has never been much for innovation with their ads.

Boobies.

That's what they use. Titillation. Fine, but you can't sell that to everyone. Just weirdos who want to have their own websites.

Wait, that's what Go Daddy is counting on. They are counting on some idiot to register southbostonpoontangwatch.org and yomamaisadumptruck.info in order to stay in business. The only way to reach that person is to send them to the Go Daddy website in the hopes of seeing a woman almost get naked. So, while Danica's ads didn't really appeal to me (Danica is always appealing, however, and is a fantastic young lady), they probably did send a few louts out there to pay way too much to register website domains they'll forget they own when the next Super Bowl comes around.

I've been served.

Christina Hendricks

What? She looks fabulous. She practically needs her own blog.

Charlie Sheen's new Hoopdie Ride

One of the things that was evident when actor Carlos Irwin Estevez (aka Charlie Sheen) was arrested at Christmas was that he demonstrated a propensity for exaggerating his knowledge of the law and his ability to get around the law. This happened when he told his wife that he could have her killed and that he could get ex-cops to make it look innocent (that's Brooke Mueller talking, not me).

Now we have a minor incident with his Mercedes and questions about what happened:

A Mercedes that Charlie Sheen reported stolen from his Sherman Oaks home was found overturned hundreds of feet down a nearby cliff early Friday, but there's no evidence anyone was in the car when it went into the ravine, police said.

A Bentley was later found off the same road nearby Friday afternoon, and police said three other cars reportedly were broken into in the same area. Police were investigating if the incidents were linked.

Police got an emergency call around 4 a.m. from an OnStar-style alert system that calls emergency officials when there is a problem with the vehicle that may require assistance, Officer Wendy Reyes said. At about the same time, Sheen called police to say his four-door Mercedes-Benz had been stolen, Officer Bruce Borihanh said.

Police and firefighters found the car 300 to 400 feet down a cliff, upside-down in the brushy ravine. They searched the area on foot and with an infrared-equipped helicopter but found nobody in or around the car, Borihanh said.

"They've looked all around the hillside. There's nobody in the car, nobody around (and no) evidence of anybody being around at the moment of impact," he said.

Sheen was not believed to have been in the car because he would have been badly injured in the accident and "I don't know how he would have gotten back up" the cliff, Borihanh said.

All of that CBS money they're paying him to do his sitcom means that Sheen probably doesn't have money problems, but who knows?

Here's what I think happened: he was out of his mind, he thought he was in an action film, and he put some mattresses by the side of the cliff and dove out of the vehicle before it went over the cliff. Four of his friends disposed of the mattresses and helped him with the full body makeup to cover up the fact that he may, or may not, have gotten a boo boo.

I think this might also be a case of "Ghost Riding the Whip" gone horribly wrong. If so, the YouTube video is going to kick ass, even if this was shot at night. I don't know if this is viable, however. Everyone knows that if you Ghost Ride the Whip in a vehicle with OnStar, those nosy bastards are going to tell the cops what you were doing. Trust me on this.

You cannot accept anything Sheen says at this point. He has zero credibility.

Roger Daltrey, Left, and Pete Townshend, Right (2008)

If you're like me, and I believe that I am like me, then you want the Superbowl over already. I'm not invested in the game; I just want to watch it, enjoy it, have some peanuts and some crackers and cheese, and get it over with.

Pete Townshend probably wants it over with as well:

The Who gave an energetic, acoustic preview of Sunday's Super Bowl halftime show Thursday- but things turned serious when Pete Townshend defended himself against some children's advocates who say he should not be performing.

"I've been really saddened by it, and concerned about it. It's an issue that's very difficult to deal with in sound bites," the legendary guitarist said at an NFL news conference dedicated to the Super Bowl's entertainers, including Carrie Underwood and Queen Latifah.

"I kind of feel like we're all on the same side, I guess that's all I can really say," he said.

Townshend was arrested in 2003 in Britain as part of a child pornography sting but later cleared. He accessed a Web site containing child pornography but said it was for research for his own campaign against child porn. He was required to register as a sex offender, despite being cleared.

Because of that, groups like Protect Our Children have protested the choice of The Who, the legendary group featuring Townshend and Roger Daltrey.

But Townshend said he has been a children's advocate for decades and alluded to his own confession of being abused as a child.

"For a family that has suffered the issue of childhood abuse or anything of that sort, vigilance, common sense vigilance is the most important thing, not vigilantism," he said. "Anybody that has any doubts about whether I should be here or not should investigate a little bit further."

I've already said--if the law says Townshend has to register, fine and dandy. He has to register. He should be treated like everyone else.

It's not clear to me now, however, that he even has to register in this country. We used to have a thing where if you have paid your debt to society, then that's all well and good. Townshend is in perfect legal standing with the authorities in Britain; why does that then mean he cannot perform here in this country?